The Heartbreak Hypothesis

I really hope no guy ever has to go through this but every guy should be prepared for it. Nobody told me that, quite unfortunate ain’t it? Life changed in a matter of days. I was thrown, off a cliff with my hands and legs tied and my mouth taped. The gut-wrenching pain of knowing that the person you loved with every inch of your heart doesn’t want you and you can’t do anything about it, leaves you crying on the floor and asking, “Why me? What did I do? Why do I deserve this?”

So here I am, asking myself, “What did I do wrong? What crime did I commit to getting this?”. From the bottom of my heart, whatever that is, I want to blame it all on her. Tell everyone she left me in the dirt and she is the culprit here. I want revenge. I want her back. I want her to suffer. I want her bad. So much anger and frustration coursed through my veins but humble realization showed me that there truly was no fault of hers. Neither was mine. It’s sad but it’s true. It’s the bitter truth.

And the moment it hits you right out of the blue, it wrecks you. It picks you up and thrashes you into the abyss of pain. And this, my friends, was the frustration phase.

The next phase is denial, and arguably the most painful of them all. You just can’t connect the dots as to why this happened. You cannot put 2 and 2 together as to why she left you. I’ve spent hours crying over this, probably in vain. And there comes a point when you want to cry more but you can’t. You just can’t cry because you are out of tears. And that’s more painful. Just a dozen emotions cluttering up inside you and you can’t do anything about that too.

The last phase is acceptance. At this point in time, you are almost sure that water isn’t rolling back to the broken glass. It is over. Yes, there are a few idiots who happen to keep hope. As expected I was one of them too. I felt a void, that might never be filled ever. I faced unrequited flashbacks. Just wish to drown in the sheer beauty of her smile, hold her hand warm, hug her tighter than ever, and yearn to feel her soft, sweet lips touch your face. You want nothing more than to just run into her arms and tell her, “I love you, more than anything else I have”.

You see, this is the mind playing tricks, giving you hope for something that is not meant to happen. Relationships take commitment, friendship, compromise, sacrifices, patience, trust, respect, care, communication, forgiveness, affirmation, and reassurance. The point being, spending time with her, and having her run her hands through your hair wasn’t love. Missing her because she’s gone is love. This might seem like the bad part but no, this is the good part. The bad part is when you forget about her when you don’t care about anything. That phase is coming, believe me, so enjoy this while you still can.

From the bottom of my heart, I don’t want to move on. Because moving on from her will take me a lifetime, and it took her what seemed like seconds. Watching her fall out of love with me was something I didn’t really want to see. I wish I wasn’t a part of the puzzle she needed in her life to move on and I wish I was the complete picture that we could have done together and hung up on a wall of our home that we will never have now. Guess the world isn’t a wish-granting factory, is it? Moving on from her will take me a lifetime because while I was a mere piece of hers, she was my entire puzzle and one day, maybe, I will hang it up on my wall. Trying to forget her favorite songs, the food she loved, the jokes she laughed the hardest at, and the way she made me feel when I saw her from across the room will take me a lifetime.

I did not fall in love with her because I needed her, or because I was lonely, or because I needed someone to love. I fell in love with her because all I could hear was her voice, all I did was think about her, all I could feel was her smile and without her, I didn’t really feel anything at all. I fell in love with her because she was my happiness and my strength.

Even if our paths never cross again, I hope she carries a piece of me within her, I hope she remembers us hanging out. All my quiet gestures and blushed glances and the lessons that I’ve taught her. I hope she never forgets to believe in herself. I hope she never questions her worth. I hope she knows that I care for her and I will be there for her. No matter where life takes us, I hope she carries a piece of me within her.

My love, if you ever get your hands on this, all I want to say to you is that in the future if you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love with me, fall in love with me.

One hard truth that you must accept is that your ex will not find someone better than you but they will find someone better than you for them. Some people are just not meant to stay. Some people are just meant to be momentary sunshine to pull you out of the darkness. However much you feel like you love them, some people are just meant to get you through hard times or change you. Love never fails, if it does then it was never love and why would you want to hold on to something which was not love?

Moving on with my soliloquy, it’s been a month since my grand heartbreak and I have gone from wanting her more than anything to not even thinking about her most of the time, she just doesn’t cross my mind often now.

Every detail of her life, every important event of her day-to-day routine, just doesn’t mean that much to me. I know I said I’d want nothing more than to be with her but these “dooriyan” have made me skeptical.

What if it gets worse?

What if I end up heartbroken again?

What if I am the one left crying on the floor?

Love truly is complicated, maybe not as much as quantum physics but it's close, all I’ll say.

They say love is the little things between 2 people. Love is everything you want and everything you despise. Love is being angry and frustrated and depressed and broken. It is actually less about a good time and more about a good thing. Love is being obsessed, jealous, and irritating. I agree with all of these points but only so much.

To be brutally honest, I don’t know what love is but I think it is hearing her say, “I don’t like you”, while her smile betrays the words that just came out of her mouth. Love is getting a video call at 5 in the morning to check up on you when you’re sick. Love is telling her “nothing” when she catches you staring at her out of the blue.

It is unplanned and sloppy, the exact opposite of how you wanted it to happen but that smile on her face will tell you it’s perfect just the way it is. Love is not being afraid to share your secrets and insecurities with someone. The truth is, we can’t define love in any specific manner but it is magical and painful and everything in between.

I will never be able to convince myself that she was not worth it or that I did not imagine a time when we would grow old together or that she was not enough for me because the moment I saw her, the only question that crossed my mind was, “What if it turns out better than you could have ever imagined?”

And it did, however short it might be, it surely did.

But once you start reminiscing and you look at the situation the way you love them and the way you built them up in your mind is what’s so great about them. If you take a step back and really look at how they treated you and all of the problems you’ve been dealing with, you will realize that they are not that great. And the only great thing about them was you.

No matter how much you love someone, no matter how big of a hopeless romantic you are, there will come a time when you need to let go and move on.

Trust me, I know it’s hard but who said it was meant to be easy anyway?

I thought a part of me would never move on, never heal, and maybe after a love like that, you’re not meant to, maybe you’re meant to stay a bit broken, a bit incomplete. But there will come a time when her name will hurt less, she won’t seem that extraordinary and in fact just the opposite, and letting her go wouldn’t seem so impossible. One day, you look at someone and think the world of them, and another day, you can’t stand them, you don’t crave their touch anymore. You might still love them but you don’t want them. Sadness, depression, regret, and loss, are all fantastic motivators. Put them to work. Imagine if she would come back to you, you would have all the energy to type 3000 messages. Now put that energy into something else. Channelize your pain and grief.

Getting over someone you loved that much might be the hardest thing you ever do, but you have to do it. And if by any chance, you happen to meet her once or twice a week due to the same classes or anything else, I won’t sugarcoat this, it will be harder than you think. But you can and will do it, eventually. You need to fight the urge to text her, to tell her about your day, to ask her how she’s been, and that you miss her. And you can’t do these because she made it very clear that you were easy to give up on.

She just doesn’t love you anymore

Accept it and walk it off. You have to, for yourself.

But never think that loving her was a mistake, don’t regret something that brought you peace and happiness however short-lived it might be.

“Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”

So, how do you look at the person you loved the most at some point in time, and tell yourself it is time to walk away?

You do that because your person is not the same person you once fell in love with. You didn’t work out because the relationship changed or the person did. Why would you want to hang on to a stranger then?

She moved on, and I am sorry for that. Yes, she once thought you were the most amazing guy and if she could’ve had any guy in the world, she still would have picked you. But now, you’re her past, and one day she will meet the man of her dreams, the guy who is perfect for her, the guy for whom her heart was waiting and he will be her forever. And I am sorry for that.

Wait, you feel bad?

Do you feel angry?

Do you feel miserable?

This too shall pass. Time will heal everything no matter how deep or big the wound.

And after you move on, don’t shy away from love. You deserve someone who will love you even on the days you can’t love yourself. You deserve to fall in love and experience that magical feeling again and again till you find “the one”. I know you’re in pain but pain is the price we all pay for love, for loving too much and for not loving enough. However much you may feel that love is risky waters and you should stay away from it. However much you may feel you are incapable of loving someone again, you’re wrong

You deserve a love that fills the void inside your heart so….

Let it be.